“Aapko kaisa lag raha hai?” (How are you feeling?)

This is the most clichéd question in therapy, self-help books, and even casual conversations. Yet, most of us—yes, even educated, emotionally aware Indians—fail to distinguish between feelings and emotions. We use them interchangeably, like roti and chapati, assuming they mean the same thing.

But they don’t.

And confusing the two can wreck relationships, amplify suffering, and leave us reacting like toddlers throwing tantrums instead of mature adults.

The Indian Toddler Test: Are You Emotionally Smarter Than a 2-Year-Old?

My neighbor’s two-year-old, Riya, has one universal complaint: “Pet dukh raha hai!” (My stomach hurts!)

But here’s the catch—she says this when she’s:

• Hungry
• Overfed
• Actually sick
• Just bored and wants attention

She hasn’t yet learned to differentiate between discomfort, hunger, and genuine pain.

Most Indian adults are exactly like Riya.

We say:

• “Main pareshan hoon.” (I’m stressed.)
• “Mujhe gussa aa raha hai.” (I’m getting angry.)
• “Dil dukhta hai.” (My heart hurts.)

But what do these actually mean? Are we sad? Anxious? Betrayed? Exhausted? Jealous? Most of us don’t dig deeper.

The 55-Year-Old Executive Who Confused Loneliness for Love

Let me share a raw, personal story.

A client of mine—let’s call him Rajesh—is a 55-year-old executive leader in Bangalore. Successful. Respected. A family man. But beneath the composed facade, he was drowning in grief, guilt, and an emotion he couldn’t name.

His best friend had died. His son was struggling with career failures. His wife had emotionally checked out years ago. And then—he developed an intense, inappropriate attraction to a younger colleague.

“I feel alive when she talks to me,” he confessed. “But then I feel disgusting. Am I a bad person?”

Here’s what was really happening:

Rajesh wasn’t feeling attraction. He was emotionally starved—grieving his friend, fearing irrelevance in old age, and aching for validation. His brain misread loneliness as love.

When he finally separated his feelings (physical restlessness, racing heart) from his emotions (grief, fear of aging), the “attraction” vanished. It was never about intimacy —it was about significance.

Feelings vs. Emotions: The Indian Brain’s Confusion

1. Feelings = Physical Sensations (Valence + Arousal)
   • Positive Valence: Comfort, warmth, pleasure (e.g., first sip of chai on a rainy day).
   • Negative Valence: Discomfort, pain, itch (e.g., hunger, headache).
   • Arousal: Energy level (coffee = high arousal; exhaustion = low arousal).

Example: That “heaviness” in your chest before a big meeting? That’s a feeling.

2. Emotions = Meaning Attached to Feelings
   • “Why does my chest feel heavy?”
     • If you think “I’ll fail” → Anxiety.
     • If you think “I’m not good enough” → Shame.
     • If you think “This is unfair” → Anger.
3. Example: Rajesh’s racing heart wasn’t attraction—it was fear of aging.

Why Indians Especially Struggle With This

1. We’re Taught to Suppress, Not Express
   • “Ladke nahi rote.” (Boys don’t cry.)
   • “Shaant raho.” (Stay calm.)
   • Result? We grow up labeling everything as “tension” or “gussa”—no nuance.
2. We Misattribute Physical Feelings
   • “Mera sar dard kar raha hai” could mean:
     • Stress (emotion)
     • Dehydration (feeling)
     • Or just needing a nap!
3. We Act Out Instead of Reflect
   • Yelling at your wife because work was stressful? That’s not anger—that’s misdirected frustration.

How to Fix This? The 3-Question Check-In (Indian Edition)

1. “Mera man kis taraf jaa raha hai?” (What’s my mood?)
   • Good? Bad? Neutral but leaning somewhere?
2. “Meri energy kaise hai?” (What’s my energy level?)
   • Upar (High, like after coffee)?
   • Neeche (Low, like post-lunch drowsiness)?
3. “Ye feeling ka matlab kya hai?” (What does this mean?)
   • “Dil bhari hua hai” (Heart feels heavy) → Grief? Regret?
   • “Gussa aa raha hai” (I’m getting angry) → Or are you actually hurt?

Final Thought: Stop Saying “Bas, Tension Hai”

“Tension” is the Indian catch-all for every negative emotion. But tension isn’t an emotion—it’s a lazy label.

Dig deeper.

Are you actually angry? Or just hungry (hangry)?
Are you really attracted to someone? Or just lonely?

Until we learn the difference, we’ll keep hurting ourselves—and the people we love.

So, aapko kaisa lag raha hai? Really?

(Think before you answer.)